Last Meal

So this is my very first entry as a married woman!! I can't believe that I am someones wife now....craziness!! All is going pretty good. I absolutely love my husband but there is just one drawback about this marriage..... I weigh about 10 pounds more now!! :( This is not ok. What am I doing to myself? I have no idea....but I think I know what I can do about it. I was thinking today about completely changing my lifestyle. Not only by putting healthy all natural things in my body but by trying harder to be the best person I can be. I don't think I have been trying very hard at that lately. I think that the myth about marriage...yah know the one about where the two people let themselves go and become someone completely different. I feel like that's what I'm starting to do. To become someone else, someone who has let go and someone who has no idea what they are doing here! Ok so I think I have a plan to change this...to make it different...to make it much better than it was before. For the rest of December I plan on preparing for the next year of my life. I know that sounds silly and wrong since we are only supposed to live one day at a time and not worry about the future but technically I'm not worried about it I'm just kind of a little preparing for it. I just really want to surround myself with the most positive things I can! I know that I need more of God in my life and right now I feel like I'm in a ditch. It doesn't have anything to do with my husband so please don't be discouraged from getting married. This thing that is happening to me is just that...it's happening inside me and only to me and if I let it keep going in this direction it might start to effect someone that I love. Alright so anyways I just stuffed my face with my last fast food meal and will hopefully start fresh right now. I have found that when I eat bad constantly it puts a damper on more than weight. It effects my head, the way I feel and my daily confidence. It brings me way down and although I have so many other things in my life to lift me up and keep me joyous it's nice to know that I'm doing something good for myself too! So here's to right now...this very moment and what's to come! All I really have control of is the things I do in this life, the body I have, the way I choose to treat it and I want to start doing the right things in the stuff that I can enjoy in this life! Bettering myself, my grades, my heart.

Late Night Stress

So it's 1:20 am and I have officially had my first big wedding freak out. Everyone always said "oh my gosh it's so stressful to plan a wedding and it's awful and don't worry you a will understand when it happens to you." And when someone says this to me I think...whatever you guys are just selfish brats! Sorry to anyone that has said that to me and is reading this but that is what I thought. Well tonight I had a freak out....it was not a huge freak out but I was a brat and a baby and pouty and gross. It only lasted about 20 minutes but for me that's a long time to be absolutely intolerable! I began looking at invitations with my mom and really it was fine and good and then about 30 minutes later when we were still looking it was not fine or good anymore. I do not make decisions easily anyway and when I see a book as thick as both my thighs put together with identical (different) invitations covering it from cover to cover I began to get sweaty and hot and clammy and hopeful that a leprechaun or maybe a unicorn would come take me to their warm home under their rainbow forest. But this was not the case and another couple minutes went by before closing the book and rescheduling my invitation time for tomorrow. This was not a big freak out and if this was all that happened today I would not be ashamed or disgusted with myself but about 4 hours later while srapbooking and watching Kuff's with my parents I began to freak out about my wedding dress. Why was I thinking about my wedding dress while watching a fabulous classic 90's movie with Christian Slater? Well it's because I was scrapbooking my engagement and the infamous trying on/picking the dress. I had two pages. A page for the worst dresses I could have possibly put on my body and then the best dresses...the pretty ones, the ones that I weeded through until I found the right one. But as I was finishing up the Best Dressed page and labeling The One with a big white arrow pointing at it and a sign that said The One I began to wonder if The One was better than the other dresses that had been so quickly thrown to the side. All the other dresses that fit and felt and looked fabulous that had been unwisely treated. Maybe I was misguided in my journey to the perfect dress or maybe I got disoriented and didn't pick the dress that was the perfect dress. Anyways I was sitting there thinking all of these thoughts as the ending credits rolled and Christian Slater was put to rest. Then and there as the classic love music of the early 90's played I had a freak out. It was nothing short of hitting my feet on the ground and pounding my palms to my chest. It was not my finest 20 minutes and as my mother explained to me that the dress was beautiful and elegant and everything I wanted it to be I realized that I was being an ugly person and possibly ruining my credibility with myself!! So when all is said and done I have come to find that I may be a little crazy on the inside but I do promise myself here tonight at 1:39 am that the crazy will definitely stay on the inside. Here are my two rules to prevent any future unveiling of the true me....

Rule 1-

Do not watch any movies with skinny pretty girls that are in their underwear (even if it's just for a moment) while looking at pictures of myself in my wedding dress or scrapbooking those said pictures.

Rule 2 -

Do not and I repeat do not eat two handfuls of M&M's while looking at or scrapbooking pictures of one's self in my wedding dress.

P.S. - In general try to stay away from the M&M's until the wedding is over....actually you can even partake of them at the reception but for your sanity and everyone elses mental health please stay away from M&M's!!

Thrifty...

I want to be thrifty and dark and happy and slim and straight and thrifty. I do not want to conform even though that's what I feel like I would be doing if I did actually accomplish any of the above. But at least I don't want to be blond and wear a lot of pink jewelry while listening to Brittany Spears in my new mustang. Ewww that's beyond conforming...that's pretending. Not that any of that stuff is bad but it's old, unoriginal and girlie. I think I'm judging now which is extremely on the other end of what I'm wanting to be...which is thrifty. I don't think that judging is a characteristic of thrifty. Thrifty is more accepting and laid back and frugal and smart, perhaps even creative. Of course this is my description of thrifty which I probably just made up. The following is an actual definition which isn't so far from my made up definition:

THRIFTY

Given to, or evincing, thrift; characterized by economy and good management of property; sparing; frugal; Thriving by industry and frugality; prosperous in the acquisition of worldly goods; increasing in wealth; as, a thrifty farmer or mechanic; Growing rapidly or vigorously; thriving; as, a ..

I would like to add a fabulously decorated home from scratch to the definition. :) That's what I'm hoping for anyway. Well I don't really know what I'm saying today because honestly I didn't feel like writing anything. But I did it anyways and why I have no idea. All I know is that the only thing I can even think about is thriftiness which may make this my shortest blog ever!

85 Days and Counting

So here I am....85 days away from my wedding day. Can you believe this....I have almost officially conformed!! If I didn't love the male version of me so much I would probably start cutting away at my wrist. HEY THERE HEY THERE TO THE SINGLE MASSES OF THE WORLD.... Farewell and I will miss the solitude the most!!! :) Anyways we went and registered today at Target, scanning all the fabulous flatware and irons and toasters and decorations in a greedy frenzy. 2 hours later I was not exhausted but overly excited about running home and getting everything set up and put in it's designated spot. Then it dawned on me as Matt handed the scanner back to the lady with the red collared shirt and the customer service smile on her face that we weren't actually taking anything with us. So when you register you get to go look at all the stuff you want but then just leave it there in hopes that some friendly face will buy it for you. This is registering? I'm not up for it. I'm not up for coming back to my house and not seeing the white comforter neatly in place on the bed...or the tart pan that I so excitedly fondled in isle 3 baking something deliciously sweet in the oven. As Minnie Driver said in Circle of Friends. "It's like taking me to the top of the mountain and showing me what I could have and then marching me back down and saying you aren't good enough Ashley the fat cow that you are" I improvised on the name! So now I get the luxury of checking my Target registry account and seeing if anyone has gotten us anything. I know I know that's selfish and greedy and gross and desperate and all those awful things that I don't want to be but I am deep down...just like everyone else. I just don't mind voicing it.

Along with the wedding being just around the corner and the registration's shocking realization we also had our first pre-marital counseling meeting with our pastor today. I don't know if I can stress to you all just how mortified I was about going to this meeting. I am not good with answering questions...especially questions from a pastor of all people. I was worried about becoming flustered and stuttery and perhaps coming off to the man that is going to marry us in 85 days as a bit of a freak. I was sweating bullets when we walked in to the meeting room but then all the sudden I realized this was not just a one on one couple meeting. There were several couples already there ready to be counseled. This eased my mind a little and after the initial fear of being probed to death by our pastor about personal matters went away I was able to breath easily. The meeting was actually a huge success and I am no longer scared of pre-marital get togethers!! This was a huge feat for me!!

So this is my 85 day journey into womanhood? I hope it's not a big disappointment like all the other alleged journey's into womanhood. Maybe this will finally be the real thing and not all in my imagination. Like when my period started when I was 13 I thought wow I'm a woman only to realize the next day that having a period didn't make me a woman at all but it did cause me to cramp and smell like mold. (I had to use pads til I was 15, mom's orders). Or the time that I graduated from high school and moved out with my best friend in a less than perfect apartment. I thought for sure I'm a woman now...but then I ran out of money and had to move back in with my parents. So now here I am 24 and thinking that in 85 days I will be an official woman. With the pretty nails and the fresh attitude on life and the budget and the home and the husband and the upcoming children and all that adult woman stuff. Hmmmm....I wonder if that will happen.

The Perfect Me

So here it is....I'm putting everything out there for everyone to see. I'm putting my heart on the line. I'm doing everything I always said I wouldn't. I'm loving someone entirely and depending on them for my future! I do not want to depend on someone for my future, for my happiness. You know what I really want to do all day .... I want to write whatever I want. I want to say whatever I want to say and I want to feel whatever I want to feel. I don't want to be laughed at or condemned because I want to sit around all day and write or worship God or love the man that I am going to marry. I do not want to be judged or broken down for the things that I believe in, for the things that I'm passionate about. I want to love everyone and not have bad thoughts or hurt feelings or mean things to say about anything in the world. I do not want to live my life trying to be good I just want it to come at me like a thunderbolt and I won't have to try anymore. I want God to show me what He want's me to do with my life....what He wants me to really do. Not just getting married and having children but the other things...the things He wants out of me. I seem to be going through the motions and working everyday at a job that I don't respect or enjoy and I keep kicking myself for sticking it out. For just doing it cause that's what I think I'm supposed to do, I'm supposed to be proud of a job that I don't believe in. God does not want that for me does He? Or maybe I should be grateful just to have a steady income and maybe me telling myself that everyday is ok maybe it's normal and it's just life. I'm always waiting for something better to come along and now all that i'm waiting for is my life to begin. I have found the perfect man I have the perfect family and the perfect friends and now I'm waiting for the perfect me.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow....

I want to walk up a rainbow. Gently jumping from color to color, basking in all the richness of life and love and everything. I want to walk up a rainbow and comb the hair from my face as each bright color passes through me and gives me the feeling that perhaps I could fly. I want to skip up a rainbow and let the wind graze my skin and bounce from my fingertips into the white clouds just above. I want to run down a rainbow, tripping and jumping and gleefully taking in the joy from the fun that's about to come. I want to dance on a rainbow with my hands in the sky and my face towards the sun. I want to walk over a rainbow and see the world from the other side, I want to see what it could be, what potential it has under the bright rays which will shine on it from where I stand. I want the world to look better when I'm over the rainbow, to smell and taste and feel better. I want to walk over a rainbow and see the real side of people, their thoughts and hopes and fears. I want to see the goodness and love of people from my side of the rainbow. Somewhere over the rainbow all our tears will disappear and our sadness will fade away and there we will see what we have always been meant to see, there we will do what we have always been meant to do. There we will be home!!!

I have met him!!!

So I have met the man that I am going to marry....I wouldn't say things like this normally and I refuse to divulge any private or personal information but I will say that he has changed my life. If you have ever known me in my past life...my single days...you would have thought I would never conform to society and fall in love or let some guy marry me and make me change my name and cook and clean for them and all of the above. Now however things have changed... Although I will never ever submit myself to household duties full time because I think it's both a man and a woman's job, especially if they both have full time jobs to attend to....the duties should be shared equally as with everything in a marriage. Of course I still do go on my crazy independent tangents and such as I have already done but I have fallin' completely in love with another. I can see my entire future when I look at him and it makes me so happy that I find I may come off as pathetic if I were to ever tell another living soul about it. But you know what I think....I think that sometimes being pathetic is ok...it kind of means humbling yourself enough to admit that you actually want another, perhaps even need another in your life to grow old with, to be with. I like to refer back to The Secretary.....



"In one way or another I've always suffered. I didn't know why exactly. But I do know that I'm not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him."



Don't get me wrong...I am still all for being independent and not depending on others for your own happiness cause I've always thought that being genuinely happy is an inside job. I'm not all swooney and gross when I talk about him but I'm not going to hide the fact either!! I'm proud to say that I have found my someone...the someone that I'm going to wake up to every morning and go to bed with every night. The someone that's going to encourage me and love me, to help me and guide me, to have fun with and play with and I will hopefully be the one that he looks to for all of those things as well. That is whats new with me...the newest development in my life and while I am looking forward to the future I'm also preparing myself for anything that might come good or bad. God will lead me in the right direction....and hopefully I will be able to steady the course and go exactly where He wants me to be!!!