My Chocolate Bear...

Billy Blanks kicked my butt tonight and I love him for it!!! The sweat dripped off me like a fountain of salt water and that salt water tasted good (yes some dripped into my mouth)!! My thighs and buns burned and my arms screamed out in pain but I kept going just like Billy told me to....He said, "You have to be fit to fight to have a good life" Chant it Billy chant it!!!! Exercising is absolutely amazing...I feel so much better and so much stronger....wooooohoooo I'm ready for tomorrow!!!

Thanks Billy you sweaty chocolate bear you are my hero!!!

Last Kiss

I'm extremely hungry for a kiss!! A kiss you might say, yes a kiss...I want to be kissed!! It's been longer then I would like to remember and my last kiss was not something that I want or should remember, it was a snaggle tooth kiss!!! Yes I said it, a snaggle tooth kiss and this was his snaggle tooth not mine, for my teeth are perfect!!! It was almost as bad as my first kiss which involved me being so nervous that my tongue coiled all the way back to snuggle with my hangy ball which then left the tongue of my dream boy TMT (Tyler Marce Tummons, or Totally Marvelous Tushy) searching for my tongue and probably freaking out for not being able to find it. Needless to say it was the last time I kissed that particular boy and lets not assume that I'm a bad kisser. Since my first kiss I have been told many a times that I am quite good...(ok only 3 but I've only kissed 3 guys since then so that's pretty good.) Anyways I just need a kiss, a soft, tousled kiss...I wouldn't freak out if there was a hand in the hair, actually I would like it quite a bit!!! Ok so now to find a guy to kiss, that's a little bit tricky seeing as how I don't touch strangers no exceptions!! Ok and then there is the fact that I'm not good with skin or lips touching either and I HATE spit!!! So I think what I will do is continue watching Chocolat and fantasize about kissing Johnny Depp, because just fantasizing about kissing Johnny is better then real life kissing with any old regular guy!!

No more LIES...

Why does Hollywood insist on feeding us lies? That's my question...it seems like every movie that comes out is about soul mates or destiny or true love but why I ask you why do "they" do this to us? I grew up on movies like this...I learned what french kissing was when I was six and I was watching Jack and Jennifer on "Days of Our Lives". I grew up believing that true love existed, that there was one perfect man out there for his one perfect women and guess what They lived happily ever after immediately. But you see this is not the case, this is not reality, there is no truth to what the movies beat into us all of our lives. We are not in a movie, this is not "One fine Day" you can't just walk out your front door and fall in love with your child's friends divorced dad....no that's not how it happens. Why do they insist on doing this to us? Do they know that we are desperate and pathetic and will watch their cheesy, unrealistic movie because deep down we want to believe in it, we want to believe that one day some amazing man will write a mission statement and completely change from being the jerk that he was before he met us and we will "complete him". Deep down we ache to be loved like that and during that 2 hour movie we actually feel, for a moment that we will be adored and cherished and it's not impossible but that it's just under our fingertips. But then the movie ends and we have to face reality and reality is that I've just eaten 2 bowls of popcorn while watching "The Notebook" and I'm approximately 2 pounds heavier and about 2 times more depressed about myself then I was before. What is the point it only brings hard ache and emptiness. Honestly I think I'm going to stick to hardcore action flicks or "The story of Us" now that's real life!

This time of month.....

I have decided to place the blame on someone for this awful, uncomfortable thing that happens more times than I wish to discuss...I really think someone is to blame and I know that it's not me. If it were me I would say goodbye to my lovely and never failing period, but somehow someone decided to make it stick. Honestly it could be anyone, lets see.... I could start small and blame the old man that I passed at the grocery today, he had a cane and a brown hat on..HE'S THE ONE, or I could go a little deeper and blame my mother because well lets face it I blame her for everything or maybe just a little deeper and Damn the Man again. (Mike are you responsible for my period?) Alright I'm going to go all the way here and place the blame on Eve for eating the fruit off the tree that was obviously forbidden, I'd also like to blame her for my debt, because of her I have to spend my money on clothes and processed food and rent....EVE WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? You see this thing is really starting to nag at me and become a cramp in my side!! Not only am I in pain but I am BLEEDING from my hoohaa, and ya know what that's not even the worst part of it. Today my own reflection scared me, I blame the period for this, it has never happened before and most likely if it does happen again it will be around this same time next month...but I swear when I turned around there was another girl looking straight at me and baby it wasn't me!! I also hate this time of month because I'm extremely emotional, I'm such a sad pathetic girl that I actually feel bad for everyone who has to see me in such a state of despair...it's really not attractive to wallow around feeling sorry for oneself for being alone and no one touching her.....SOMETIMES I JUST WANT TO BE TOUCHED BY SOMEONE WHO ISN'T ME!!! Yes I said it...I touch myself (not right now, that's just a mess waiting to happen) I do I touch myself and any other women that says otherwise is a liar and should really do some soul searching. To all who go through this each month I say lets ban together and change our cycles, perhaps deleting this time of the month forever, we don't need this, no we will figure out a way to reproduce without it!!! You may think that I'm just a dreamer but a little song comes to mind from someone I like to call Bob Dylan:

Dream dream dream dream
Dream dream dream dream
Whenever I DON'T want you
All I have to do is dream

Dream dream dream dream
Dream dream dream dream
When I DON'T want you in my mind
And I DON'T need you to hold me tight
Whenever I DON'T want you
All I have to do is dream

Dream dream dream dream
Dream dream dream dream

I may have tweaked the song a little but that's the only way it would have made sense...are we together ladies or have your officially decided that I may not be quite right in the head?

Quality List...

So I was looking through some old stuff and I found this list that I made about 4 years ago after getting out of a relationship. It was basically just a list of the qualities that I have to have in a man...no questions!! I thought it was pretty funny so here it is:

My Quality List

1. 6 Feet tall
2. Dark hair (open to suggestion)
3. Blue Eyes
4. Muscular Hands
5. Nice Feet
6. Tan
7. Not Materialistic!!!
8. Likes the outdoors
9. Spontaneous
10. Funny!!!
11. Leaves notes on my car every once in awhile
12. Steady Job (School Optional)
13. Passionate
14. Common Sense
15. If I call him, he'll actually pretend to want to talk
16. Someone who would rather take me on a date then buy himself a video game
17. Cares about what I want to do
18. Pretty thick hair (No Baldies)
19. Christian
20. Will want to see me after I'm in a car accident
21. Protection
22. I can sit on there lap!!!
23. We can talk for hours
24. He won't make me cry purposely
25. He'll feel bad if he does make me cry
26. He'll adore me
27. Good with kids


Ok so that's it, I don't really know what to think about it, I don't know if I actually expected to find a guy with all of those qualities and blue eyes, it doesn't seem very realistice...but that's it, take it and do with it what you will!!

Boyfriend for a Day

I've heard people say that there are these moments in time that forever shape you and make you the person you will become. It could be anything from your first car to your wedding day, to meeting someone. I used to think this was just hogwash I mean there's really nothing that could change your life that much, not just one specific thing right? Wrong....I decided to take a walk down memory lane and find something in my past that would possibly be the cause of my behavior in relationships. You see, I tend to shy away and not be myself when I'm in a relationship because, to be quite honest, I'm a bit of a freak in real life....so with every relationship (and there hasn't been that many) I pretend to be someone different...scratch that usually I'm nobody at all. Example: My first big relationship was with a wee man that I started dating when I was in high school, he was 21. He was attractive but small, 5'8 and 112 lbs on a good day....that's small for a guy especially when they're dating someone like me who is what some people like to call "Amazon Women"5'10 and 125lbs (back then). Anyways I dated him for about a year all together and do you know what I did for the majority of that year? I watched him play video games!!!! Video games bahhhhhh, boyfriends, husbands, dads, and anyone that has any close friends or family should be banned from buying video games all together, honestly only people with pets and only pets in their lives should be allowed to play them. Anyways I completely lost myself in watching him and them and it was absolutely pathetic. It finally ended because when I did decide to finally talk and suggest perhaps going on a picnic or doing something active, well lets just say we had different views on what the actual word "active" meant and of course the other thing that broke us up was my constant worry and assumption that he was either in love with someone else or already cheating on me. So back to the subject at hand.....what made me the way I am in relationships....well I'm introverted, jealous, nervous, shy, naive, or the worst of all nothing at all...I've been trying for years to figure out why I'm so different when it comes to these dreadful things we like to call relationships and I'll tell you why. THE FOLLOWING IS A TRUE STORY....

It was my 6th grade year and I was absolutely in love with a boy named Levi Sebastion Stevens.....awww he was the cutest boy in all the land. He had sandy brown hair and tan skin that glistened proudly in the sun... I remember gazing upon it as our class played Red Rover Red Rover outside at recess. Anyways I was sure that I loved him and so was everyone else....I wasn't very secretive about my interest, back then I was outgoing, not shy at all when it came to boys. Well one terrific, splendid, absolutely glorious day in science class Levi, my Levi passed me a note that said " Will you go out with me?" "WHAT!!!!! LEVI SEBASTION STEVENS IS ASKING ME OUT!!!" I looked up and caught his eye and he smiled and nodded his head and then turned to face the front again. I was in junior high heaven I mean I can still remember after class me running around, my heart pounding down the halls, telling everyone and being so excited about the happenings during science. By the end of the day I'd already heard from two other boys that Levi was just joking, he wasn't serious at all. But I was sceptical because these particular boys werent that trustworthy so I went about my day and night thinking I was dating the greates boy in the world!!! Before I went to bed that night I wrote about the day in my journal...so happy, so carefree, so full of hope. I probably wouldn't have went to bed so early if I would have known that that was offically my last night as a completly normal person. I would have taped my eyes open just to live a little longer in the soft, outgoing, self assured skin I was in. The next morning I got to school only to walk into that big gym and sit on the bleachers with my class waiting for first period and hearing everyone tell me that Levi didn't really want to date me that it really was all a joke, just a silly trick to see what I would do. After that I never did anything again. I didn't pine after Levi, oh no if anything I ran from him, from the shame, from the meaness, from the person that took away the trust that I had in myself and the world, he took it away and replaced it with self doubt, inner loathing, and constant worry. So do I think one thing can change a persons life and perhaps make them someone they never intended to be at all? Yes I do but I also wish that I would have been strong enough to brush it off but I wasn't and now I'm struggling everyday just to love myself....ok ok maybe that's not fair....I probably shouldn't still be blaming poor Levi, I mean he shapped my past but I'm the only one that's going to shape the future!

6 MONTHS

There are approximately 6 months until my birthday.....this does not excite me in the least. Actually when you get older birthdays, as you all already know, are just another day to get depressed about exactly how old you are. I'm in my 20's and I'm already depressed so this year I'm trying something different. I'm starting today and from here on out I will no longer be unhappy with myself, with my life, with what I have or haven't done. I will be happy and proud of myself from here on out. A few specific things would be to be a healthy person inside and out, to be able to look at other people and not judge them and to be able to have people look at me and me not assume that they are judging me. Eating healthier is a big part of it. I used to have some issues eating, I either wouldn't eat at all or I would puke up what I did eat...granted that was several months ago but I'm still struggling everyday to eat right and better and to know that I can eat, I have to eat to survive. So within in this 6 months I will not only change my outer appearance but my inner self also. There are so many things I want to learn and take part in. I want to do all of these things not only for myself but the people around me. I would like to finish the novel I'm writing. I would like to make it through my culinary program and complete what I've started for once in my life. By my birthday and for the rest of my life after I want to be able to say "HEY WORLD LOOK AT ME I'M A SURVIVOR, A SURVIVOR OF EVERY DAY LIFE. I NO LONGER HATE MYSELF FOR EATING THAT CUPCAKE, NOW I EMBRACE IT AND I THINK GOD ABOVE THAT I'M HERE AND ABLE TO EAT A CUPCAKE!!! I NO LONGER HATE THOSE SKINNY, BUBBLY GIRLS THAT SEEM TO HAVE THE WORLD AT THEIR FINGERTIPS....NO I DO NOT HATE THEM, I AM ONE OF THEM" Alright so that's what I will be able to say in 6 months....I could be freak just a little but can you imagine being so comfortable with yourself that you are able to fly your freak flag without really caring what other people think. I'll be honest I've had unreal times with my freak flag before but never completely oblivious of what other people think about me. So today I begin.........

The Youngest.....

I don't know how to explain it but being the youngest sibling has to be either the most amazing or scariest thing in the world. I used to think it was awful growing up with two older sisters that tortured me like I was a used scarecrow. I mean this in the most honest way possible. One day it was them shoving me into dark rooms and slamming the door shut until I screamed out in protest, (however about that I've always wondered if I was just to stupid to reach up and turn on the light or if I was an extremely short child.) And then the next day it would be my middle sister Danielle carrying me around by the neck. Looking back on it now I'd have to say that when my oldest sister Amber chewed up her pretzels and made me and Danielle eat them as if we were her baby birds, that was probably the worst!!! Aww I can't believe now when I look back that I did such a disturbing thing....what was wrong with me and ya know what, Danielle and I actually enjoyed it, we fought over who would get the next piece...Amber was like a freaking queen to us and we were nothing more then her pet birds.....bahhh chewed up pretzels.

It's strange how quickly it all comes and goes. Now we are all grown and we are best friends and while Danielle and I steer clear of pretzels when we're around Amber we get along great!!! My sisters have both gotten married and had children. I am officially the proud aunt of 7 nieces and nephews and though I love them dearly I would never dream of having my own children, at least not in the next ten years which would make me 32 (see how I just slipped that in there). I'm, me, I, the youngest am still single and childless and completely fine with that. At times though I do wonder how in the world my sisters turned out so small even after all of their children. Amber has a set of twins and a patch of what we like to call the (twinskin) on her stomach...she's a twig otherwise and for some reason I'm still a bit taller and just a tad wider then both of them and I've never given birth to anything. It's a little disheartening!! I do partly blame my sisters for how I turned out and how I am today. Without them I would have been much more insecure then I am now and that seriously means that I probably wouldn't have made it past my 21st birthday alive, this meaning I would have done something drastic to myself to possibly enter my body into it's own demise. So in the end I guess I'm happy I'm the youngest because I've gotten to learn from my sisters mistakes even though they were few and far between