The Perfect Me

So here it is....I'm putting everything out there for everyone to see. I'm putting my heart on the line. I'm doing everything I always said I wouldn't. I'm loving someone entirely and depending on them for my future! I do not want to depend on someone for my future, for my happiness. You know what I really want to do all day .... I want to write whatever I want. I want to say whatever I want to say and I want to feel whatever I want to feel. I don't want to be laughed at or condemned because I want to sit around all day and write or worship God or love the man that I am going to marry. I do not want to be judged or broken down for the things that I believe in, for the things that I'm passionate about. I want to love everyone and not have bad thoughts or hurt feelings or mean things to say about anything in the world. I do not want to live my life trying to be good I just want it to come at me like a thunderbolt and I won't have to try anymore. I want God to show me what He want's me to do with my life....what He wants me to really do. Not just getting married and having children but the other things...the things He wants out of me. I seem to be going through the motions and working everyday at a job that I don't respect or enjoy and I keep kicking myself for sticking it out. For just doing it cause that's what I think I'm supposed to do, I'm supposed to be proud of a job that I don't believe in. God does not want that for me does He? Or maybe I should be grateful just to have a steady income and maybe me telling myself that everyday is ok maybe it's normal and it's just life. I'm always waiting for something better to come along and now all that i'm waiting for is my life to begin. I have found the perfect man I have the perfect family and the perfect friends and now I'm waiting for the perfect me.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow....

I want to walk up a rainbow. Gently jumping from color to color, basking in all the richness of life and love and everything. I want to walk up a rainbow and comb the hair from my face as each bright color passes through me and gives me the feeling that perhaps I could fly. I want to skip up a rainbow and let the wind graze my skin and bounce from my fingertips into the white clouds just above. I want to run down a rainbow, tripping and jumping and gleefully taking in the joy from the fun that's about to come. I want to dance on a rainbow with my hands in the sky and my face towards the sun. I want to walk over a rainbow and see the world from the other side, I want to see what it could be, what potential it has under the bright rays which will shine on it from where I stand. I want the world to look better when I'm over the rainbow, to smell and taste and feel better. I want to walk over a rainbow and see the real side of people, their thoughts and hopes and fears. I want to see the goodness and love of people from my side of the rainbow. Somewhere over the rainbow all our tears will disappear and our sadness will fade away and there we will see what we have always been meant to see, there we will do what we have always been meant to do. There we will be home!!!

I have met him!!!

So I have met the man that I am going to marry....I wouldn't say things like this normally and I refuse to divulge any private or personal information but I will say that he has changed my life. If you have ever known me in my past life...my single days...you would have thought I would never conform to society and fall in love or let some guy marry me and make me change my name and cook and clean for them and all of the above. Now however things have changed... Although I will never ever submit myself to household duties full time because I think it's both a man and a woman's job, especially if they both have full time jobs to attend to....the duties should be shared equally as with everything in a marriage. Of course I still do go on my crazy independent tangents and such as I have already done but I have fallin' completely in love with another. I can see my entire future when I look at him and it makes me so happy that I find I may come off as pathetic if I were to ever tell another living soul about it. But you know what I think....I think that sometimes being pathetic is ok...it kind of means humbling yourself enough to admit that you actually want another, perhaps even need another in your life to grow old with, to be with. I like to refer back to The Secretary.....



"In one way or another I've always suffered. I didn't know why exactly. But I do know that I'm not so scared of suffering now. I feel more than I've ever felt and I've found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me. I hope he knows that I can see that he suffers too. And that I want to love him."



Don't get me wrong...I am still all for being independent and not depending on others for your own happiness cause I've always thought that being genuinely happy is an inside job. I'm not all swooney and gross when I talk about him but I'm not going to hide the fact either!! I'm proud to say that I have found my someone...the someone that I'm going to wake up to every morning and go to bed with every night. The someone that's going to encourage me and love me, to help me and guide me, to have fun with and play with and I will hopefully be the one that he looks to for all of those things as well. That is whats new with me...the newest development in my life and while I am looking forward to the future I'm also preparing myself for anything that might come good or bad. God will lead me in the right direction....and hopefully I will be able to steady the course and go exactly where He wants me to be!!!

Muuuaaaaahhhhhh I'm back and I do fear that I'm happier then ever....I don't know why I'm fearing this but it sounded like a good thing to say at the time!! I don't think I've ever been this happy but I will admit that it feels fabulous!! The funny thing is nothing has really changed except me I guess. I mean at the beginning of the year I was still the same depressed, fake, sad girl that I've always been. I've always learned to hide or fake my happiness...for the last....gosh however long. But I'm no longer faking...I'm actually sublimely happy!!! I didn't think it would ever happen but it has and I don't know how long it will last so I need to start taking advantage of it.

Ok so yes I'm still a little insecure about my body and my appearance but ya know what I don't think about it all the time and I don't dwell on what I look like or could look like because you know what I've decided....My body and the way it looks is actually the one thing I can control in this world so I'm not going to spend time complaining about what it looks like cause the way it looks is my own fault!!! How can I possibly condone complaining or stressing about something that I'm doing to myself. I've slowly started bettering the way I look and feel about myself and ya know what I can proudly say that I am happy with my attitude and everything I've been doing to better my body and for now I'm not going to let that little muffin top bother me because by the power in me it will be different soon and if it isn't then I can only blame myself!!

Gosh I'm annoying!!

Oh and yah I don't judge people anymore...it's so great not judging people or thinking negative thoughts towards someone. Even people that hurt me or use their words to try to change my positive attitude because they are so insecure with themselves and that makes them feel better. Yes this has happened a lot lately and well I won't let it!!! I will not base my thoughts and my happiness on what other people think of me or what other people put me down for and that is so freakin amazing!!!

I've decided that everything happens for a reason and all though I have no idea what path I'm on or supposed to be on I know that God has something in store for me....may it be big or small it's there and I may not even know when it happens but it will and I will be there to be the best person I can be and bring joy and friendship and love to as many people I can. All that we have is this life that we were so fortunate to get here on earth, even though sometimes it doesn't feel like that, that's all that we have and we have to and I mean have to use every day to the best of our abilities!! We can't waste a single moment to stand up and scream at the top of our lungs "I'M HERE, USE ME FOR SOMETHING GREAT!!!"

I was once....

I was once a baby, a baby who was coddled and loved and cared for every second of everyday. I was pure and innocent and squishy. I was once a kid, a kid who was told that there was something out there for her, something that would be meant for her to make her strong and successful and maybe if she was lucky happy. I was once a teenager, a teenager that couldn't wait to get out of high school so her real life could start, someone who had dreams and desires and new found cramps. That teenager was lonely and insecure but so positive that something would be better right outside those school walls. Now I am an adult, an adult who misses those high school walls every so often because at least when she was behind them she didn't know that there would be a whole other set of walls to come. She didn't understand just how disappointing life could be and she had great dreams and great hopes for the future. Now as an adult I sometimes miss the girl that wrote poetry and short stories. The girl who was always thinking and daydreaming and hopeful when it came to her future. Now I'm just an adult like everyone else wanting to go to the next stage of my life only to find that I feel exactly as I did before, but with different scenery. And hopefully by the next stage of my life I will begin to be happy with what I do have, begin to appreciate the things that are happening right then instead of pine for what might lay ahead. Hopefully I will not look at the past like I do now and dwell on the bad things but push those aside and embrace the good. Now as an adult I will live my life and try to look in the mirror each day with a shred of hope and love for the person staring back at me, I will force myself to endure the days with happiness and thanks instead of waste them away searching for my future. Now as an adult I will perhaps make a difference if that is a possible.

Down Time

I'm sitting here at work with absolutely nothing to do wondering what in the world I'm doing here. Not just here as in at my desk waiting for my next project, more like what in the world am I doing with my life? My honest to all goodness answer is nothing. Right now I am not doing anything that really has any meaning. I'm passionate about a lot of things but am I really doing anything about my passion? No. So the question is not what am I going to do with the rest of my life but what am I going to do with my life right now? Hmmm. I was reading the Bible last night and I came to a part in Luke that basically said, give up everything you have all your possesions and your wants and go out and make a difference, go out and do something for the world, for the people around you that are lost and poor. This hit me in a weird way...I don't know what I'm supposed to do with it but I do know that we only get one life and that if I use up the one I have right now being selfish and wasteful with my time then I've ruined the greatest gift I have, to live, to do things that mean something, to finish things that we start and are so sure of...I don't want my life to be full of working at a job that I dislike but I am grateful for because I could do a lot worse and a whole bunch of downtime that I do not use wisely. To be quit honest I barely use my down time at all, not to the best of it's abilities.
But it's so easy to complain about right? I could get everything that I want tomorrow and still not be happy the next day so with that said no complaining, no slumming around all day regretting the things that I haven't done, all the time I've wasted. No I can either do two things; get up and do something about it or shut up!! I'm really hoping I choose to get up and do something about it because if not then I've just wasted this life that I really don't deserve in the first place...I guess only time will tell....

2008 To Do List....

This year I'm going to make a To Do list so that I don't waste my time and forget about what I need to get done and what I want to do. So the following is my list, the things that I want to accomplish, the things that I want to experience and the things I want to learn.

TO BEGIN....

I want to finish my novel by July

Each month I want to go somewhere I've never been

Travel out of state at least 3 times

Exercise and Dance more

Save money!!

MAY 3 : HAVE STARTED SAVING MONEY AND IT FEELS GREAT!!!

Start learning to play the drums

Start learning a different language

Be the best I can be everywhere I go and in everything I do

Attend church regularly



Ok so as of right now that's all that I have and honestly I think that will keep me pretty busy this year!! I'm excited about the year to come and I just hope it's a successful one. Last year just seemed to fly by and I didn't really accomplish anything I wanted or hoped to accomplish!!! I will definitely keep a logged update of what I have completed and what I still have left....Woo hoo for the future and the freedom to learn and become whomever we want to be.

My New Friend

I have this new friend that lays down beside me every night when I go to sleep, not only then but every time I lean over to get something or tie my shoes my new friend leans over with me. My new friend keeps me warmer then I've ever been before. I've been practicing with my new friend, trying to teach my new friend tricks like perhaps whistling or dancing. My new friend seems to have the dancing down but the whistling my new friend is struggling with. You are probably wondering who exactly my new friend is, what's my new friends name, maybe you know my new friend? Well you might you just might I like to call my new friend Holiday Tummy Lard or HTL for short. My new friend seems to like that better. At first I didn't mind HTL, I actually kind of enjoyed HTL because it was a new experience to have someone or something around me that often. Going where ever I go, doing whatever I do. But then HTL started to become a bit of a problem. It started to grow, like with every living thing, but I was not prepared for it or welcoming of it. I now struggle to do anything without HTL getting in my way and though I've slowly began to get rid of HTL by moving more and eating less HTL is still sticking more then I would like. I do hope that HTL takes a hint and goes away before the summer because this year I would like to wear and bathing suit, perhaps and alarmingly sexy one and I don't want HTL showing it's ugly face, I don't want HTL practicing the tricks I once taught it when I was young and more intrigued by HTL. No I do not want HTL to dance or whistle while I'm running down the beach to the water no no no that is not what I want for this summer...so please go please go HTL go away, I promise you will always be inside me somewhere and maybe we will meet again but please for the love of everything that's important to me go away for now!!!