I've heard people say that there are these moments in time that forever shape you and make you the person you will become. It could be anything from your first car to your wedding day, to meeting someone. I used to think this was just hogwash I mean there's really nothing that could change your life that much, not just one specific thing right? Wrong....I decided to take a walk down memory lane and find something in my past that would possibly be the cause of my behavior in relationships. You see, I tend to shy away and not be myself when I'm in a relationship because, to be quite honest, I'm a bit of a freak in real life....so with every relationship (and there hasn't been that many) I pretend to be someone different...scratch that usually I'm nobody at all. Example: My first big relationship was with a wee man that I started dating when I was in high school, he was 21. He was attractive but small, 5'8 and 112 lbs on a good day....that's small for a guy especially when they're dating someone like me who is what some people like to call "Amazon Women"5'10 and 125lbs (back then). Anyways I dated him for about a year all together and do you know what I did for the majority of that year? I watched him play video games!!!! Video games bahhhhhh, boyfriends, husbands, dads, and anyone that has any close friends or family should be banned from buying video games all together, honestly only people with pets and only pets in their lives should be allowed to play them. Anyways I completely lost myself in watching him and them and it was absolutely pathetic. It finally ended because when I did decide to finally talk and suggest perhaps going on a picnic or doing something active, well lets just say we had different views on what the actual word "active" meant and of course the other thing that broke us up was my constant worry and assumption that he was either in love with someone else or already cheating on me. So back to the subject at hand.....what made me the way I am in relationships....well I'm introverted, jealous, nervous, shy, naive, or the worst of all nothing at all...I've been trying for years to figure out why I'm so different when it comes to these dreadful things we like to call relationships and I'll tell you why. THE FOLLOWING IS A TRUE STORY....
It was my 6th grade year and I was absolutely in love with a boy named Levi Sebastion Stevens.....awww he was the cutest boy in all the land. He had sandy brown hair and tan skin that glistened proudly in the sun... I remember gazing upon it as our class played Red Rover Red Rover outside at recess. Anyways I was sure that I loved him and so was everyone else....I wasn't very secretive about my interest, back then I was outgoing, not shy at all when it came to boys. Well one terrific, splendid, absolutely glorious day in science class Levi, my Levi passed me a note that said " Will you go out with me?" "WHAT!!!!! LEVI SEBASTION STEVENS IS ASKING ME OUT!!!" I looked up and caught his eye and he smiled and nodded his head and then turned to face the front again. I was in junior high heaven I mean I can still remember after class me running around, my heart pounding down the halls, telling everyone and being so excited about the happenings during science. By the end of the day I'd already heard from two other boys that Levi was just joking, he wasn't serious at all. But I was sceptical because these particular boys werent that trustworthy so I went about my day and night thinking I was dating the greates boy in the world!!! Before I went to bed that night I wrote about the day in my journal...so happy, so carefree, so full of hope. I probably wouldn't have went to bed so early if I would have known that that was offically my last night as a completly normal person. I would have taped my eyes open just to live a little longer in the soft, outgoing, self assured skin I was in. The next morning I got to school only to walk into that big gym and sit on the bleachers with my class waiting for first period and hearing everyone tell me that Levi didn't really want to date me that it really was all a joke, just a silly trick to see what I would do. After that I never did anything again. I didn't pine after Levi, oh no if anything I ran from him, from the shame, from the meaness, from the person that took away the trust that I had in myself and the world, he took it away and replaced it with self doubt, inner loathing, and constant worry. So do I think one thing can change a persons life and perhaps make them someone they never intended to be at all? Yes I do but I also wish that I would have been strong enough to brush it off but I wasn't and now I'm struggling everyday just to love myself....ok ok maybe that's not fair....I probably shouldn't still be blaming poor Levi, I mean he shapped my past but I'm the only one that's going to shape the future!
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More, more I demand. You have hit a nerve in me and probably many other poor, helpless girls across the globe. What you have felt I have felt. I was probably in the 4th grade and it was a boy named Shane, so cute with his blonde hair and blue eyes and so mysterious as he was the only one who wore a leather jacket, cheap leather yes but leather all the same. I was at the time going out with a Micah...we had a bond because we had matching birthmarks. His was much bigger but they were placed on us in the same exact spot. He was alright as far as 4th grade boyfriends go but he was no Shane! Shane asked me to be his girlfriend and I tossed the idea around for about 30 seconds then went up to Micah as he stood in the lunch line and said I am breaking up with you. I then told Shane that I would love to "go out" with him. By the time we returned to class from lunch two very mean girls informed me that is was all a joke, they made him ask me so that I would break up with Micah. Come to find out one of them(a stinky girl named Stephanie who had headlice and gum in her hair)wanted to date Micah. Well the joke was on me. Shane was never interested in this skinny, freckled girl. No, he was on the mean team with Stinky Stephanie and Smarty pants Christy. So that is why I thank you for your story. Although those memories that were buried so deep have been dug up and I am now in agony I feel I may know myself just a little better.
Your loyal reader,
Morning Sunrise
Well thanks for sharing your experience with me!! It's really great to hear about someone elses real life experiences and to know that I'm not alone in the world and hopefully you know that you aren't either...if we never have anything else in common we will always have junior high tragedies to keep us intertwined!!!!
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