The Perfect Me

So here it is....I'm putting everything out there for everyone to see. I'm putting my heart on the line. I'm doing everything I always said I wouldn't. I'm loving someone entirely and depending on them for my future! I do not want to depend on someone for my future, for my happiness. You know what I really want to do all day .... I want to write whatever I want. I want to say whatever I want to say and I want to feel whatever I want to feel. I don't want to be laughed at or condemned because I want to sit around all day and write or worship God or love the man that I am going to marry. I do not want to be judged or broken down for the things that I believe in, for the things that I'm passionate about. I want to love everyone and not have bad thoughts or hurt feelings or mean things to say about anything in the world. I do not want to live my life trying to be good I just want it to come at me like a thunderbolt and I won't have to try anymore. I want God to show me what He want's me to do with my life....what He wants me to really do. Not just getting married and having children but the other things...the things He wants out of me. I seem to be going through the motions and working everyday at a job that I don't respect or enjoy and I keep kicking myself for sticking it out. For just doing it cause that's what I think I'm supposed to do, I'm supposed to be proud of a job that I don't believe in. God does not want that for me does He? Or maybe I should be grateful just to have a steady income and maybe me telling myself that everyday is ok maybe it's normal and it's just life. I'm always waiting for something better to come along and now all that i'm waiting for is my life to begin. I have found the perfect man I have the perfect family and the perfect friends and now I'm waiting for the perfect me.